A Self Reflection And The Emotional Ride Of Lockdown

I think it is safe to say a lot of us have had time for a bit of self reflection during lockdown right?

I am going to be honest and say I am not surprised that lockdown happened. Looking at other countries and the situation arising in them it was an inevitable consequence. I am lucky as because of that I managed to do things like bulk shoot a load of content. Or stay with my boyfriend for the weekend before he moved back home. Just do the small things you take for granted that we now can’t do. But now we are in our 6th week of lockdown – I think it’s the 6th week, or maybe 7th… I mean god knows but what I know its been quite long. Even though its been challenging both mentally and physically for a lot of people, its safe to say people have had time to have a bit of a self reflection. 

One of the issues I have been having is that one I haven’t become Tik Tok famous yet. Like seriously why not?! In all serious I have been looking at people on Instagram in lockdown and I see them drinking nice wine, making endless amounts of banana bread, looking amazing after doing a 10k run and I am like when is this going to happen to me? And I will admit I have shared my fair amount of baking on stories. Or that I have been for a run and done a workout. But I will also say here and now, that its not my reality.

My reality is that I go for a 3K run, which is half walking. Honestly I feel like I need new lungs after. I am isolating with my family, so there is bound to be a handful (or more) of arguments and snappy comments. I am eating more than I usually would and I miss the gym for not making me feel good about that. Something I am still coming to terms with uni being online and everything that entails. I haven’t actually had a Netflix or movie day yet as I am still really busy with making content. And don’t even get me started on content creating. Two weeks ago I had a HUGE wobble about my imagery and content I was making. I mean I even questioned why I was making content.

It might be a bit harsh to say that those who look like they are living the high life on lockdown aren’t being real, because they might be. You might be finding lockdown as a complete big refresh and that you are bursting with productivity. But nobody is better than anyone as we all have to take this lockdown as it comes. Whether you want to redecorate your whole house, or eat left over Easter eggs all day its fine. Unless like me your easter eggs went within 5 minutes and now you can’t do that… 

I am very torn with how I feel – like yes helloooo we are in the middle of a pandemic!! Something that will probably never happen again in our life times (fingers crossed) so its all going to be very confusing and different for us. So we are bound to feel a whole new scale of emotions. For me, I have found it hard knowing what I should be eating. People are doing home workouts which for me have been a saviour. But then I see people saying this is not the time to diet and instead look after yourself. But for me, eating chocolate on repeat or not caring about my diet at all, makes me feel equally as shit. I have found that side of thing quite overwhelming because in all honesty I am missing just being able to get to the gym. 

The whole uncertainty and scale of what was going on didn’t really hit me until I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend. I got home, albeit in floods of tears (I din’t think being normal helped AT ALL – petition to stop periods during lockdown?) and it was not knowing when I will see him again. Not just him, but my grandparents, my friends, my work colleagues and everyone who I would see everyday. I don’t think anyone would have predicted that we couldn’t even visit them. Its that physical touch, the hugs, the cups of coffee on a Friday afternoon with my Grandparents. The things that are so normal, yet now can’t be done. 

However part of me feels quite selfish for saying that. Our AMAZING NHS workers aren’t allowed to see families if they are working in contact with covid-19 patients. People have lost their lives during this pandemic and they won’t be able to live life the same again. I am grateful that currently everyone in my life is healthy. And that even friends who have had the virus are now on the road to recovery. But on the other hand, it is perfectly normal to feel or hold a grudge about whats happened because our lives are not the same. 

For now, I am managing and coping well. Apart from a few small blips in the road, I live fairly rurally. So perhaps I am more sheltered to the issues around. I am still at uni and have deadlines approaching – EKK! I am thankful that I am actually having one of the most successful months blogwise that I have ever had. Something I have been doing is trying to get out everyday or do some sort of workout everyday. I have got a new routine of posting blog posts as the time has given me the chance to post more #GoGirl. This week I haven’t even done a workout yet because I have been too busy so I must be doing somewhat okay! 

But if you want to do nothing all day. If you want to bake banana bread then go for it (and save a slice for me). This is such crazy time that nobody can tell you what you want to do. Or what you should be doing. It’s only temporary… 

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