It’s 6:09pm on a Monday evening when I am writing this blog post. Today I have taken some PR photos, uploaded a blog post, edited some photos, and carried on with some uni work. Oh and I watched ‘The Great Gatsby’…. Oh Leo you melt my heart. Anyway, this process will most likely repeat itself tomorrow – with the addition of work in the evening of course. Wednesday if I am lucky I might go shopping. But other than that I have no big plans. When the weekend comes around I will be working and most likely just chilling out. This whole scenario is something I have been working with for nearly four months now. A scenario I am more than familiar with. Is my life boring?
This is my life at 19. I am going to be 20 in December and if you have seen my rant about feeling older than my actual age you will understand how I feel. I don’t feel 19. But there is something niggling away at me worried that I am wasting my youthful years. That I should be going out, partying, getting wasted, going through that youthful rebellion stage. I am obsessed with this idea of growing up, wanting to buy my own house, be financially independent. But I don’t know if I want to hang up the going out on a Monday night stint just yet.
But this new me, the more mature and ‘sit inside and focus on my work’ rather than party until 5AM me is becoming too comfortable. It has just got me asking myself is my life becoming boring?
I know that I am being very irrational considering I am not even 20 yet. The next 10 years at least could be filled with celebrating, partying and enjoying myself. Obviously once you get married and a family comes along, the fun kinda changes. But I haven’t got to worry about that for the time being. I am only just going into my second year at university, and I have plenty of time. In my head I know that 2020 will be better than the car crash of 2019. But none of this really matters. Not really.
I know that in my mind, no matter if I get back into this partying stage that I will always much prefer a night in with a film and bottle of wine. OKAYY call me a middle aged mum of four I don’t care, but that is just my preference. (No offence to any middle aged mum of four of course). But because I am more of the settled down type rather than outgoing type will I miss out on stuff? The awful kisses, the getting absolutely wasted and not knowing which club I am in. The cheesy chips for breakfast, or the mosh pits at festivals. Making the wrong decisions to look back and say well at least I have done it.
Last year I was going through that freedom of being able to go out, drink alcohol and party with my friends. I went out countless amounts of time across the summer. But when uni came that all of a sudden came to a stop. This year, I have tried to take a step back from drinking, partying because I don’t think it is good for me at the moment. I miss being able to have fun, have. dance and let my hair down. A few drunken nights this year that have left me with some almighty hangovers. But really I have only been ‘out out’ once.
Whether this is some sort of wake up call or me just being ridiculously paranoid, I am still stuck between wondering if I am wasting my life and not having enough fun, or am I actually doing the things I want to do? But I have (sort of) come up with a bit of a conclusion.
I am going to do stuff that I feel that I want to do. Not that I should be doing, or what others think I should doing. I am constantly worried about whether people think I am boring. Or I get that pang of ‘FOMO’ when someone says ‘You Should Go Out’. I am going to listen to myself and what I want. So if I want a night out then I will have a night out. If I want to stay at home watch some films and work on my blog then that is okay too. I am not going to put myself in an uncomfortable situation for anyone else’s joy or opinion.
So there you have it. Whilst it might be a stupid and a tad bit comical, I am going through this thought process and I know others are too. If you are let’s get a takeaway and watch Pitch Perfect yeah??
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When I was your age, I worried that I was wasting my youthful years, now I’m 26, I still feel like I’m wasting my twenties! I wish I could do more but because of my anxiety and health, sometimes it’s not possible to push myself further! You’re doing just fine lovely and I’m sure big things are coming your way! x
Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk
That is true. Sometimes being comfortable in your surroundings, situation etc is better than pushing yourself. Yes it is good to push yourself but not at the strain of your health. Thank you Lucy! You too x